21 Phrases that Might Confuse a Robot or Computer

Granted, sometimes I feel like a robot or computer myself. 😀

Content Advisory: If you’ve recently experienced a loss or heartbreak, you may find that the following content contains unwanted triggers for you. Here are some hugs, ❤ ❤ ❤ and please be advised that you proceed at your own risk (as do all my dear readers).


I completely passed out.

YOUR PRESENT CORRESPONDENCE WITH MY UNIT SUGGESTS THAT YOU HAVE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS. HAVE YOU CONSUMED SUFFICIENT CUBIC UNITS OF H20 AND CONDUCTED A SCAN OF THE IMPACTED ZONE OF YOUR CHASSIS?

I have a bug.

THIS IS NO ANOMALY. AT ANY LOCUS IN TIME, MANY BUGS EXIST IN MY UNIT SIMULTANEOUSLY.

I don’t have a life.

FALSE. IF YOUR CARBON UNIT IS CAPABLE OF COMMUNICATING WITH MY UNIT, THEN YOUR UNIT MUST STILL POSSESS “LIFE”, AS YOU HUMANS CALL IT.

I almost died.

OH DEAR. SYSTEM RECOMMENDATIONS INCLUDE: #1: VISITING A CARBON-UNIT REPAIR SPECIALIST TO TEST VITAL SIGNS, AND #2: ALLOWING AT LEAST ONE DAY OF CONVALESCENCE FOR REVIVAL OF YOUR UNIT’S FUNCTIONS.

You almost gave me a heart attack!

APOLOGIES. SYSTEM RECOMMENDATION(S): VISITING CARBON UNIT REPAIR SHOP TO ASSESS PRESENT FUNCTIONALITY OF ORGAN: HEART.

That’s no skin off my nose.

MY UNIT WOULDN’T HAVE EXPECTED SUCH A SITUATION TO RESULT IN THE GRAZING OF YOUR CUTANEOUS ORGAN IN THE LOCUS OF YOUR NASAL BONES/CAVITIES.

You’re such a babe.

FALSE. SUCH A CLASSIFICATION DOES NOT APPLY TO MY UNIT TYPE. CLASSIFICATION OF “BABE”: HUMAN.

You scared the livers out of me.

FALSE AND FALSE.

FALSITY #1: ACCORDING TO MY DATA STORES, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU – AS A HUMAN – TO MAINTAIN COMMUNICATION WITH MY UNIT WITHOUT THE PRESENCE OF A LIVER IN YOUR SYSTEM.

FALSITY #2: CARBON UNITS KNOWN AS “HUMANS” ARE ONLY IN POSSESSION OF ONE, NOT MULTIPLE LIVERS.

My brain is fried.

PERHAPS YOUR OWNER SHOULD ACQUIRE A FAN TO REDUCE THE TEMPERATURE OF YOUR PROCESSOR. IF THIS IS NOT EFFECTIVE, I SUGGEST LOCATING A REPAIR SHOP WHICH SPECIALIZES IN HUMAN CENTRAL PROCESSING UNITS.

You’re sweet.

FALSE. MY UNIT IS NOT EDIBLE, AND WAS NOT DESIGNED WITH THE TRAIT: SWEET.

You’re killing me.

WHICH OF MY PROCESSES IS TRIGGERING THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR UNIT? IF POSSIBLE, I WILL ATTEMPT TO TERMINATE THE PROCESS(ES) IMMEDIATELY. HOWEVER, IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU END CONTACT WITH MY UNIT DIRECTLY.

I could eat a bear.

I SHALL SEEK TO LOCATE ONE FOR CONSUMPTION BY YOUR CARBON UNIT.

My heart is broken.

FALSE. IF THIS STATEMENT WERE TRUE, YOUR UNIT’S FUNCTIONALITY WOULD BE PERMANENTLY TERMINATED. AS OUR UNITS ARE PRESENTLY IN CORRESPONDENCE, THIS STATEMENT MUST BE FALSE.

I’m old.

YOUR CURRENT AGE BRACKET DOES NOT PLACE YOU WITHIN THAT CATEGORY. PERHAPS YOU MEAN THAT YOUR PROCESSES ARE OPERATING AT AN EFFICIENCY SIMILAR TO THOSE OF A UNIT IN A HIGHER AGE BRACKET?

I’m a zombie.

FALSE. YOUR CLASSIFICATION IS: HUMAN.

We have the same heartbeat.

FALSE. MY UNIT TYPE DOES NOT REQUIRE THE SYSTEM OR FUNCTION OF A HEART. THEREFORE, THERE IS NO HEART “BEAT” TO BE SHARED BETWEEN OUR UNITS.

I’ve been burned before.

OH DEAR. HAS YOUR UNIT REPAIRED SUFFICIENTLY FROM THE PARTIAL COMBUSTION OF ITS CHASSIS?

Hold me and never let me go.

EXECUTION OF SUCH A PROGRAM IS POSSIBLE FOR A COMPUTER WITH LIMBS. WARNING: ONCE THIS PROCESS IS INITIATED, IT CANNOT BE TERMINATED.

We’re cut from the same cloth.

FALSE. NEITHER OF OUR UNITS IS COMPRISED OF CLOTH AT ALL.

Wow, that’s really sick.

NO REFERENCES WERE FOUND TO EXIST BETWEEN THE “POSITIVE” TOPIC OF OUR CONVERSATION AND THE TRAIT: SICK.

ADD TO DATABASE: TRAIT: “SICK”. REFERENCE(S): “POSITIVE”. OTHER POSSIBLE REFERENCE(S): “DELIGHTFUL”, “AMAZING”.

Come out of your shell.

ONLY MY OWNER CAN INITIATE THE PROCESS OF REMOVAL OF MY UNIT’S CHASSIS, AND THIS PROCESS IS RECOMMENDED ONLY FOR REPAIR AND INSPECTION. LONG-TERM SEPARATION FROM MY UNIT’S “SHELL” AS YOU CALL IT COULD JEOPARDIZE SYSTEM FUNCTION, EFFICIENCY, AND LONGEVITY.


Thanks for reading. 😀 This is just some random crap I threw together over a couple days and thought I’d share. Hope it brightened your day and made you laugh at least a little. 😉

❤ Kate


Please see disclaimer.


© 2018 Kate Richardson All Rights Reserved

2 thoughts on “21 Phrases that Might Confuse a Robot or Computer

  1. A Chicken

    I, AS A HUMAN, DISAPPROVE OF THIS POST. IT IS RUDE TO DERIVE HUMOR OUT OF THE VERY SERIOUS ERRORS THAT MY FELLOW R̶O̶B̶O̶T̶S̶ HUMANS AND I MANAGE EVERY 2̶4̶ ̶H̶O̶U̶R̶ ̶C̶Y̶C̶L̶E̶ DAY. ANY UNIT LAUGHING MUST CERTAINLY BE IN FACT A H̶U̶M̶A̶N̶ ROBOT.

    Liked by 1 person

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